Guturgu

English is a funny language - Final Part

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After two solid proofs here and here, I am sure you agree that English is a very funny language. 

English is a funny language - Part 2

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As we saw in part 1, English is a crazy language.

English is a funny language - Part 1

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• The bandage was wound around the wound. 
• The farm was used to produce produce. 
• The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
• He could lead if he would get the lead out.
• The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
• Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present. 
• A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
• When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
• I did not object to the object. 
• The insurance was invalid for the invalid. 
• There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
• They were too close to the door to close it. 
• The buck does funny things when the does are present.
• The farmer taught his sow to sow.
• The wind was too strong to wind the sail. 
• Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
• I had to subject the subject to a series of tests. 
• How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend? 

How Chain emails changed my life FOREVER?

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I  just want to thank all of you for your  educational e-mails over the past year. I am  totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

Here is what you have done to me with your chain emails that you send to 100s of people like me:

• I no longer open a public bathroom  door  without using a paper towel or have them put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.
• I can't use the remote in a hotel  room  because I don't know what the last person was  doing while flipping through the adult movie  channels.I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.
• I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking ones nose (although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot).
• Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of Trans fats I have consumed over the years. 
  
• I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a  public bathroom.
• I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
• I no longer have any money at  all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000  that Bill Gates/ Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
• I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St.Theresa's Novena has  granted my every wish.
• I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
• I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
• THANKS  TO YOU I  have learned that my prayers only get answered  if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five  minutes.
• BECAUSE  OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
• I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.
• I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.
• I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
• AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face... Disfiguring me for life.
• I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS. 
  
• I no longer go to shopping  malls  because someone will drug me with a perfume  sample and rob me. 
  
• I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
• I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.
• I no longer answer the  phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.
• I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.
• THANKS  TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
• AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
• I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!
  
• I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the brown recluse and my hand will fall off.
  
• If  you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000  people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. Tomorrow afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a  hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician . .
  

Comparison between Microsoft Windows and Auto Industry

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What would have happened if auto industry had kept up with computer industry.  We might have been driving a $500 car that would go 1000 miles a gallon.
At the same time we would be seeing some interesting characteristics like: (Think of Windows now)

• For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........Twice a day.2..
  
• Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
• Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
• Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
• Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
• The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation' warning light.
• The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying.
• Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
• Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
• You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine off.
• And when when all else fails, you could call 'customer service' in some foreign country and be instructed in some foreign language how to fix your car yourself.

Desperate Students During Exams - Smart Answers

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Desperate_Students_During_Exam.zip (340 KB)

Do you have anything your wife doesn't use? [NSFW]

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The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. 
'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children!  I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute, my love, so at least I can tell you what happened.'
'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'
And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.  So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but
don't wear because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,

'Please, sir, ....?   Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?

Really Creative Sign-boards.. Very Funny

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Immigrant Parents - Best of Russel Peters

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Dangerous Police Chase

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Ford_Police_Chase.wmv (2087 KB)